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It's been over nine months since my last journal entry here on deviantART. So much has changed in my life, I don't even know where to begin. I'm gonna clean out some old deviations and journals.
I guess the root change that then set all the others in motion is that since I was 14, I've known I was gay. Having grown up in a very Mormon family though, I was afraid of myself for a long time, because I knew where Mormon doctrine stood on homosexuality, which is why some of you might know me on deviantART for my previous level of religious zeal that I sometimes expressed here. Truth is though, I'm not that religious either. I overcompensated for my own fear of myself by becoming something of a religious jackass, and I apologize for anything I said or did that may have been offensive and/or even bigoted.
When I was a Mormon missionary in Germany I began to become disillusioned with the doctrines and behaviors of the Mormon church, and that process has only continued since then. After my mission ended in 2011 I had a short relationship with a nice girl, after which I really began seriously reconsidering where I stand on the issue of being gay. Over the five semesters that I spent in college, BYU became an isolated hell for me as I learned to not only accept, but embrace myself for who I am, simultaneously realizing that I did not belong with the people at BYU. I went through Mormon therapy sessions with bishops and whatnot as well during the first three of those semesters. Fast forward to this year. I had another short lived relationship, this time with a boy though. As I was dating him, I decided to not go behind my family's back, so I came out of the closet to them. Most of them did not take it well, and my mother exposed me to BYU about three months ago. For violating BYU's honor code and Mormon church doctrine by acting on my feelings for that boy, I was expelled from BYU, evicted from BYU student housing, fired from my job at BYU, and excommunicated from the Mormon church.
Big change, I know, and a painful one in many ways, but at the same time liberating for me personally to be free from the passive-aggressive guilt trips that are commonplace to keep Mormons in their place when they might otherwise "waver" in their faith, free from the superficial rules of BYU that wouldn't let me grow my hair or wear a tanktop on a hot day, and free to be who I naturally am. My relationship with that boy proved ill-fated as well, so now I'm stuck in Salt Lake City, just working and saving money with the goal of moving back to Seattle next year. I would like to transfer to the University of Washington to finish my degree there. We'll see.
I realize that for some of you, especially Mormon friends who I've become acquainted with over my eight year tenure on devianART, this will come as a shock, but know that just because I don't feel like Mormonism is right for me doesn't mean I have any ill will towards you. I mostly am looking for peace and stability in my life right now, and the Mormon church was not a source of either for me in recent years. For too long I've lived by others' expectations of me out of fear of the consequences of doing otherwise. I have changed a lot. Now I live by the dictates of my own conscience and feel it is as much my right as anyone else's to pursue what I believe will make me happy in life and any possible afterlife.
There's a lot more I could say here, but I think that's enough for you all to chew on. I still love all my friends on dA, and I hope that me being openly gay and ex-Mormon will not have any negative effects on my many friendships that I have developed with you all.
I guess the root change that then set all the others in motion is that since I was 14, I've known I was gay. Having grown up in a very Mormon family though, I was afraid of myself for a long time, because I knew where Mormon doctrine stood on homosexuality, which is why some of you might know me on deviantART for my previous level of religious zeal that I sometimes expressed here. Truth is though, I'm not that religious either. I overcompensated for my own fear of myself by becoming something of a religious jackass, and I apologize for anything I said or did that may have been offensive and/or even bigoted.
When I was a Mormon missionary in Germany I began to become disillusioned with the doctrines and behaviors of the Mormon church, and that process has only continued since then. After my mission ended in 2011 I had a short relationship with a nice girl, after which I really began seriously reconsidering where I stand on the issue of being gay. Over the five semesters that I spent in college, BYU became an isolated hell for me as I learned to not only accept, but embrace myself for who I am, simultaneously realizing that I did not belong with the people at BYU. I went through Mormon therapy sessions with bishops and whatnot as well during the first three of those semesters. Fast forward to this year. I had another short lived relationship, this time with a boy though. As I was dating him, I decided to not go behind my family's back, so I came out of the closet to them. Most of them did not take it well, and my mother exposed me to BYU about three months ago. For violating BYU's honor code and Mormon church doctrine by acting on my feelings for that boy, I was expelled from BYU, evicted from BYU student housing, fired from my job at BYU, and excommunicated from the Mormon church.
Big change, I know, and a painful one in many ways, but at the same time liberating for me personally to be free from the passive-aggressive guilt trips that are commonplace to keep Mormons in their place when they might otherwise "waver" in their faith, free from the superficial rules of BYU that wouldn't let me grow my hair or wear a tanktop on a hot day, and free to be who I naturally am. My relationship with that boy proved ill-fated as well, so now I'm stuck in Salt Lake City, just working and saving money with the goal of moving back to Seattle next year. I would like to transfer to the University of Washington to finish my degree there. We'll see.
I realize that for some of you, especially Mormon friends who I've become acquainted with over my eight year tenure on devianART, this will come as a shock, but know that just because I don't feel like Mormonism is right for me doesn't mean I have any ill will towards you. I mostly am looking for peace and stability in my life right now, and the Mormon church was not a source of either for me in recent years. For too long I've lived by others' expectations of me out of fear of the consequences of doing otherwise. I have changed a lot. Now I live by the dictates of my own conscience and feel it is as much my right as anyone else's to pursue what I believe will make me happy in life and any possible afterlife.
There's a lot more I could say here, but I think that's enough for you all to chew on. I still love all my friends on dA, and I hope that me being openly gay and ex-Mormon will not have any negative effects on my many friendships that I have developed with you all.
Writing My Story
Well, once again it's been a year of not much activity on dA. I have been busy on some personal projects, including writing my autobiography about my personal journey from being an active Mormon to being an openly gay agnostic, which I'm hoping to have published.
I've also been single again for a while. My previous engagement didn't work out.
In other news I'm addicted to Pokémon Moon and Skyrim: Special Edition, lol
Back From My deviantART Hiatus!
I'm back! :wave:
The reason for my most recent long stretch of hiatus this year was that my laptop that I was using for the past couple years at college basically died. The battery went out on it, and one of the RAM chips fried, so I was running on 1 GB of RAM and my iPhone was faster than it for all of my online interactions. Attempting to run any of my Adobe programs on my old lappy was a joke. I'm finally running on my new desktop machine that Linkmax (https://www.deviantart.com/linkmax) custom built me with parts we ordered on Newegg. Now I'm running on $1200 of awesome, so I'm back in business finally!
There's also other exciting news in my life! I'M ENGAGED! The boy
Emerald City Comic-Con and Sakura-Con
Not gonna lie, I'm already counting down the days until the conventions coming up. Last year I went to my first Comic-Con, Penny Arcade eXpo, and Pride Fest. I've decided I need to get out more to public events. I have Friday, March 27th and Friday, April 3rd off work for ECCC and SC. Gonna go with my boyfriend. Anyone else in Seattle headed to either of those?
Making More Prints Available!
Happy to be more active on dA again. I'm slowing updating my gallery and making my work available as prints. I'm finally out and about taking a little bit more photography and getting back into the swing of things. Thanks for being awesome, everyone! :)
© 2014 - 2024 WillFactorMedia
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It's been a really, really long time, Will. I don't know if you remember me, or my brother Jeff, but I just suddenly realized that I remembered you years ago from church. I don't think we were in the same ward but I don't think that really matters either. I didn't expect this to come up, but I don't find it really that shocking either. When my brother came out it wasn't really that shocking either. It took me a bit to understand, but looking back I don't see how I didn't see it coming from a mile away. Better yet, I'm surprised my parents didn't either. Or, at least my mother.
I still kind of dubiously follow the church. I believe in a lot of the things I've been taught. I believe the main doctrine. The commandments, the word of wisdom, other related subjects. I tested my own faith repeatedly by looking back on everything I'd read and questioning it and questioning it again. 'Why, why, why'. 'Why is this what we should do?'. For not a single commandment or pearl of wisdom in there that I can remember written in the Book of Mormon did I come up with 'I don't know' or 'It doesn't make sense'. There was sense to be made of nearly everything we follow.
This hot button issue, among other related ones, is the only one I cannot justify. I could not find a reason why not. I couldn't find a reason to condemn it. I couldn't think of why I should see it as a stigmata when it so clearly is a part of human nature. Perhaps anomalistic, since I don't even know if there is an exact science behind it, but the only thing I could possibly justify it with is something incredibly, ridiculously archaic. Propogation of a species? God's plan, the continuation of existence. But... there were a number of ridiculous laws and doctrine that I've picked apart that were in Biblical times. There was even a time when people of pretty much any other color than white weren't allowed to have the priesthood, this in relatively recent times. That I could somewhat understand. Fear. Fear that if we were accepting of people that were seen as pariahs in the nation, the spotlight comes on us again and... what, we get hunted down once more? What is anyone going to do if any church suddenly starts accepting homosexuals, transexuals, or anything else that possibly isn't even touched upon in doctrine? In this day and age? Same intolerant crap as ever before, but nobody is getting hunted down to extinction. That just doesn't happen.
That can't possibly be the issue.
So, as much as I do believe in a lot of the things they preach, this part does not make sense. I don't think there really ever was a time when I thought ill of someone who was homosexual or transexual or making different religious choices than me. Maybe when I was really young and stupid, but I practically grew up with those kinds of people. My best friend I knew since before he figured out he was gay. I've known my brother all my life. I've known my friend Teagan before he decided to make the decision to change, and for some reason I haven't thought anything of it. Through all the talks I've sat through in church, through all the scripture I've heard read to me, through all the family readings I remember, I cannot remember a single point in them where we are told to condemn these people I've spoken of. Not once.
So it is my firm belief that this doctrine and law is outdated and awaiting amendment, and I know for sure that this sort of thing has been done in the past. Either that, or I'm following the wrong people.
I'm not saying you should go back to the church. There may be a lot of things right with it, but you already have the right idea, too. Organized religion isn't for everyone, probably because it wasn't even made for everyone.
But all that aside, bottom line is you're still awesome, your photography is absolutely incredible and I don't know why I haven't payed more attention to it on my dashboard. I guess I just don't spend that much time on dA anymore.
I still kind of dubiously follow the church. I believe in a lot of the things I've been taught. I believe the main doctrine. The commandments, the word of wisdom, other related subjects. I tested my own faith repeatedly by looking back on everything I'd read and questioning it and questioning it again. 'Why, why, why'. 'Why is this what we should do?'. For not a single commandment or pearl of wisdom in there that I can remember written in the Book of Mormon did I come up with 'I don't know' or 'It doesn't make sense'. There was sense to be made of nearly everything we follow.
This hot button issue, among other related ones, is the only one I cannot justify. I could not find a reason why not. I couldn't find a reason to condemn it. I couldn't think of why I should see it as a stigmata when it so clearly is a part of human nature. Perhaps anomalistic, since I don't even know if there is an exact science behind it, but the only thing I could possibly justify it with is something incredibly, ridiculously archaic. Propogation of a species? God's plan, the continuation of existence. But... there were a number of ridiculous laws and doctrine that I've picked apart that were in Biblical times. There was even a time when people of pretty much any other color than white weren't allowed to have the priesthood, this in relatively recent times. That I could somewhat understand. Fear. Fear that if we were accepting of people that were seen as pariahs in the nation, the spotlight comes on us again and... what, we get hunted down once more? What is anyone going to do if any church suddenly starts accepting homosexuals, transexuals, or anything else that possibly isn't even touched upon in doctrine? In this day and age? Same intolerant crap as ever before, but nobody is getting hunted down to extinction. That just doesn't happen.
That can't possibly be the issue.
So, as much as I do believe in a lot of the things they preach, this part does not make sense. I don't think there really ever was a time when I thought ill of someone who was homosexual or transexual or making different religious choices than me. Maybe when I was really young and stupid, but I practically grew up with those kinds of people. My best friend I knew since before he figured out he was gay. I've known my brother all my life. I've known my friend Teagan before he decided to make the decision to change, and for some reason I haven't thought anything of it. Through all the talks I've sat through in church, through all the scripture I've heard read to me, through all the family readings I remember, I cannot remember a single point in them where we are told to condemn these people I've spoken of. Not once.
So it is my firm belief that this doctrine and law is outdated and awaiting amendment, and I know for sure that this sort of thing has been done in the past. Either that, or I'm following the wrong people.
I'm not saying you should go back to the church. There may be a lot of things right with it, but you already have the right idea, too. Organized religion isn't for everyone, probably because it wasn't even made for everyone.
But all that aside, bottom line is you're still awesome, your photography is absolutely incredible and I don't know why I haven't payed more attention to it on my dashboard. I guess I just don't spend that much time on dA anymore.