It's been over nine months since my last journal entry here on deviantART. So much has changed in my life, I don't even know where to begin. I'm gonna clean out some old deviations and journals.
I guess the root change that then set all the others in motion is that since I was 14, I've known I was gay. Having grown up in a very Mormon family though, I was afraid of myself for a long time, because I knew where Mormon doctrine stood on homosexuality, which is why some of you might know me on deviantART for my previous level of religious zeal that I sometimes expressed here. Truth is though, I'm not that religious either. I overcompensated for my own fear of myself by becoming something of a religious jackass, and I apologize for anything I said or did that may have been offensive and/or even bigoted.
When I was a Mormon missionary in Germany I began to become disillusioned with the doctrines and behaviors of the Mormon church, and that process has only continued since then. After my mission ended in 2011 I had a short relationship with a nice girl, after which I really began seriously reconsidering where I stand on the issue of being gay. Over the five semesters that I spent in college, BYU became an isolated hell for me as I learned to not only accept, but embrace myself for who I am, simultaneously realizing that I did not belong with the people at BYU. I went through Mormon therapy sessions with bishops and whatnot as well during the first three of those semesters. Fast forward to this year. I had another short lived relationship, this time with a boy though. As I was dating him, I decided to not go behind my family's back, so I came out of the closet to them. Most of them did not take it well, and my mother exposed me to BYU about three months ago. For violating BYU's honor code and Mormon church doctrine by acting on my feelings for that boy, I was expelled from BYU, evicted from BYU student housing, fired from my job at BYU, and excommunicated from the Mormon church.
Big change, I know, and a painful one in many ways, but at the same time liberating for me personally to be free from the passive-aggressive guilt trips that are commonplace to keep Mormons in their place when they might otherwise "waver" in their faith, free from the superficial rules of BYU that wouldn't let me grow my hair or wear a tanktop on a hot day, and free to be who I naturally am. My relationship with that boy proved ill-fated as well, so now I'm stuck in Salt Lake City, just working and saving money with the goal of moving back to Seattle next year. I would like to transfer to the University of Washington to finish my degree there. We'll see.
I realize that for some of you, especially Mormon friends who I've become acquainted with over my eight year tenure on devianART, this will come as a shock, but know that just because I don't feel like Mormonism is right for me doesn't mean I have any ill will towards you. I mostly am looking for peace and stability in my life right now, and the Mormon church was not a source of either for me in recent years. For too long I've lived by others' expectations of me out of fear of the consequences of doing otherwise. I have changed a lot. Now I live by the dictates of my own conscience and feel it is as much my right as anyone else's to pursue what I believe will make me happy in life and any possible afterlife.
There's a lot more I could say here, but I think that's enough for you all to chew on. I still love all my friends on dA, and I hope that me being openly gay and ex-Mormon will not have any negative effects on my many friendships that I have developed with you all.